The good
Mark one up for the kiddies. After several lab tests at the United States Institute of Health, researchers have discovered nutritional value in boogers. A diverse panel of volunteers donated their boogers to the project, and each booger that was tested registered high in fibers and proteins. Hard and crunchy boogers even had traces of iron, while the runny, wet ones showed natural traces of Vitamins A, B and riboflavin, which boost energy. No wonder kids are always on the go. It's like Grandpa always said, "If God didn't want you to pick your nose, He wouldn't have made the fingers fit." Pick away, people!
As the saying goes, "He who smelt it, dealt it." And he, who dealt it, has to pay a fine thanks to a new bill that recently passed through legislation. The "Funk Free" bill (HB69) now allows bus drivers and other public officials in tightly-closed areas (train, subway, etc.) to write tickets for anyone passing gas in "an area that lacks sufficient ventilation." The fine is $100, and all proceeds go to the clean-up of public bathrooms around the city. Thanks to this bill, we'll no longer be forced to hold our breath on the bus when someone drops a funky bomb.
The bad
Officials discovered a horrifying trend that has been growing during the past year around the metro. Officers discovered a small fight arena in the basement of a home on Des Moines' southeast side that housed more than 15 mini-horses. Officials believe the mini-horses are part of a massive fighting ring that has been building throughout the nation. On their own, mini-horses seem cute and cuddly, but when they are placed in small, confined pits with other horses, tempers flare and the two will not stop fighting until one is dead. Officers arrested Doyle Roberts, Hank Rhoads and Larry Kramer in conjunction with the ring and have taken more than 30 mini-horses, including Grand Champion Lil Sebastian, into protective animal custody. Talk about rough horseplay.
Damn politicians are sticking their noses in private business again. First it was the smoking ban, now it's the booze. A new Des Moines city ordinance will go into effect July 1 deeming Sundays toxin-free throughout the metro. That is, merchants and business owners are prohibited - and even adult patrons will be banned - from buying or using alcohol or tobacco on Sundays inside city limits. There will also be sanctions in place for law enforcement officials to fine, or even arrest, people caught defying the new law. What's next, witch burnings?
The ugly
Trends come and go, especially among teens. But some central Iowa youths have taken matters beyond black fingernails and nose rings. No eyebrows is now the latest craze, and the word "ugly" doesn't do the fad justice. Several Des Moines area schools are reporting more eyebrow-less teens in hallways and classrooms every day. We're all for self-expression, but come on guys and girls. You're creeping us out.
What is this, Compton, Calif.? Officers were called to a bloody scene just south of the Highway 5 bypass after reports of gang fights were called in. Witnesses say they saw a number of men and women, as well as numerous large dogs, fighting in an open field located outside of town. When officers arrived, they found vampires and werewolves tearing each other apart. After a couple of failed attempts to break them up, officers called in the Monster Squad to handle things. Upon arrival, the squad began firing silver bullets and holy water garlic bombs at the crowd, which quickly dispersed. The squad was able to take one werewolf into custody, who told them the two factions have been at war since the "Twilight" films were released. Apparently, Des Moines roots for both Team Jacob and Team Edward. APRIL FOOLS
